Boundaries: Let’s Learn To Say No!

Boundaries are something I have always struggled with making, and sticking to, both professionally and personally. It’s been a steep learning curve since becoming a qualified osteopath. Allow me to rewind…

I was an overachiever at school, I had a lot of extra classes, I did plenty of extracurricular activites, I was part of a few sports teams, I was a school prefect and I rarely slowed down to take a breath. The more I took on, the more I was asked to take on and in a bid not to let anyone down I continued to say yes to everything. Combine this with a tendancy to strive for perfectionism and that’s a recipe for disaster at any age before you consider the number of exams I was sitting at the time, sporting and musical commitments and teenage hormones. My health took a nose-dive during my GCSE’s due to a cocktail of responsibilities and stress from exams and bullying which ultimately lead to need time off to recover.

(Disclaimer: I want to be clear that I hid my struggles very well, so at no point would anyone have easily spotted I was having trouble keeping up because I just worked harder to get it all done, my grades never dropped, my sport performance didn’t drop and I stayed a consistenly moody teen so no obvious attitude change.)

I didn’t have anyone tell me it was okay to say “no” once in a while, from the outside I looked like I was coping just fine, so as I moved through from school, to juggling university with a job (or in my case two jobs!) things got trickier. As my committments piled up, my health declined once again. This time around I didn’t take 3 months off school, I was forced to take 18 months off, withdraw from university temporarily and fight my way through the NHS to figure out what was going on (this is where I finally got diagnosed with fibromyalgia).

Armed with a new set of drugs to lower my pain levels I returned to university and battled through my final years to recieve my degree in the middle of the COVID pandemic. I made it! I was free of the shackles of education and was ready to build an empire!

With each new patient who walked through my doors came a new story. To do my job well it is in my interest to learn about each person and I enjoy that side of being an osteopath. I’ve learned about paintballing, A-level geography, racing model aeroplanes and metal detecting among other things. With the interesting also comes the heartbreaking; post-pandemic was a challenging time for many and I became the listening ear for the people who graced my clinic with their visits. Stories of grief, loss, worry, divorce, health issues. I diligently listened without judgement, offered words of comfort and consolation when needed. I was very careful to be respectful and without bias but I was also absorbing these tales of sadness and anger on behalf of my patients which is where I made a mistake.

It was difficult not to let the stories weigh heavy on my heart, exacerbated by being the person who first noticed red flag symptoms in five patients who I referred on for four to consequently be diagnosed with cancer and one with multiple scerlorsis (MS) within my first 18 months as an osteopath. This hit me hard.

I was able to reach out to a trusted member of my coaching team, the wonderful Jos, who recommended a book about boundaries and spoke to me about wearing my clinic attire like a suit of armour, to protect my empathy from absorbing too much of my patients stories of sadness. I dove into the book head first, it was enlightening and I realised it wasn’t just my professional life that could benefit from setting a few boundaries so I started to apply the concepts to my personal life, too, and a few things happened:

1. I lost friends. I stopped doing whatever people asked of me whenever they asked and I started to say “no” instead of stretching to accommodate people at my expense. Sadly this meant the loss of a couple of friendships, but it showed me these people were only willing to take from me without any reciprocation. When I cut off the source of their gain (me saying ‘yes’) they were quick to show their true colours.
2. I started to feel happier because I was being stricter with what I was willing to allow in my life. I got my weekends back to enjoy with the people whose company uplifts me and I stopped spending time on people who made me feel guilty.
3. I was no longer working round the clock, I stopped replying to emails after 9pm and I stopped replying to work-related text messages outside of clinical hours. I was getting more restful sleep by turning my laptop off earlier and I was able to enjoy my time outside of the clinic.
4. I prioritised myself and my family, became more present, was able to hold a conversation and have a day out without saying “I’m sorry, just have to answer this – it’s work”.

The result of this culminates in my work-life balance being more evenly split, my friends, family and patients all get the recharged version of me and I’m far happier than I was before, no longer drowning in commitments.

At work I continued practicing the “clinic armour” suggestion where I can sympathise with my patients without taking their pain on for myself, using my force-field-esque boundary to cloak me in a protective bubble. I’ve not mastered the technique but I am no longer so burdened by other peoples sadness that it feels like my own. Empathy is a powerful trait to possess, but it can be hinderance until the power is harnessed appropriately.

Here are 5 tips on how to create and maintain your own boundaries:

1. Know your limits – The first step in setting boundaries is to understand your own limits and what you are and are not comfortable with. Take some time to reflect on your values, needs, and priorities. This will help you identify the boundaries that you need to set in order to feel safe, respected, and fulfilled.
2. Communicate clearly – Once you know your limits, it’s important to communicate them to others in a clear and assertive way. Use “I” statements to express how their actions or requests make you feel, and be specific about what you are and are not willing to do. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when I have too many commitments, so I need to decline your request to volunteer on the committee.”
3. Practice saying no – Saying no can be difficult, especially if you’re a people-pleaser or you have a hard time setting limits. It’s important to practice saying no in a way that feels comfortable for you. You can start small by saying no to requests or invitations that don’t align with your values or priorities. With time and practice, it will become easier to say no to the things that don’t serve you.
4. Respect others’ boundaries – Just as it’s important to set boundaries for yourself, it’s also important to respect the boundaries of others. If someone tells you no or sets a limit, respect their decision and don’t try to push them to change their mind.
5. Know when to seek help – If you’re having trouble setting boundaries or saying no, or if you feel like you’re constantly being taken advantage of or disrespected, it may be helpful to seek the support of a therapist or coach. They can help you develop the skills and confidence to assert yourself and build healthier relationships.

Remember, setting boundaries and saying no is not about being selfish or rude. It’s about taking care of yourself and building authentic and fulfilling relationships with others. My advice to you is to buy the book (Boundaries: Hot To Draw A Line In Your Head, Heart & Home) and then to start saying “no” to people when you can’t do something. You may start by saying “I’m sorry, I can’t because…”, but over time you will stop apologising for and justifying your “no” because it is a complete sentence. As you continue to practice protecting your boundaries you will see the positive changes that follow. If you feel you need more guidance then my mindset coaching may be of interest to you. You can book a mindset coaching discovery call here.